New Year's Resolutions

1. Find my place

2. Help others more

3. Not be a worthless shit

4. Give more, take less

5. Not die

You Shouldn't Have Come

G,

I know I'm a terrible friend. I know I'm a terrible person. So why did you drive to see me? All I've done is alienate you and make you feel like trash. I'm sorry. I won't hurt myself physically, as I know you don't want that, but I'll destroy myself emotionally. I'm so sorry.

~H

T & R & L & C & E

Don't tell me if you find this. If you ever do, never tell me.

I have a love/hate relationship with religion. I do't know if it's because I've hung out with 1 too many atheists or because I've actually had bad experiences. Frankly. if I have a bad experience, I chalk it up to me being too sensitive and not seeing God enough. Or at least, I should.

Christianity to me is full of so many holes, inconsistencies, and barbaric acts that I can only attribute to evil. I see more hate and negativity in Christianity than I do love and happiness. So when someone says something I find dangerous or bad, I get anxious and freak out.

God and I only seem to grow further apart with each day that goes by. I will not say I've tried, because if I tried I would have a good relationship with him and none of my feelings now would matter. But I haven't.

I have friends who grew up in that church who are hurting. Some because of bad messages about religion and some for other reasons. Those people are the ones I ache for. No one deserves to feel that way, and when I hear of it, I want to protect them. Even if what I perceive as damaging and dangerous is just that- a perception.

I am so sorry for the strife I know I have caused. You reached out to me, clearly I upset many. For that I know I have no forgiveness. I'm sorry.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas. All of you from M to T, all of you deserve it.

Theological Questions to Ask Someday

1. If God is so loving, what would he send someone to an eternity of suffering for the perceived mistakes of a time-span of 85 some years?
2. Why is it possible to go to hell based on deeds alone, but not go to heaven in the same way?
3. Why is being LGBT a sin?
4. Why does Jesus seem to show racial and cultural bias if he's supposed to be perfect?
5. If God was so trigger-happy in the bible, why hasn't he killed me yet when I've basically challenged him to do so?
6. What makes God perfect and justified in all of his actions? Because he said so?
7. If a parent loving created a child and raised them with little instruction or guidance, and was only available to help the child when things were truly awful (and sometimes not even then) they would be considered a bad parent. So why is God exempt from this?
8. Does a parent deserve worship just for creating a child? If not, then why does God?
9. Why must God be hidden?
10. Why do we have to thank God for our successes, but cannot blame him for our failures?

Heaven

I do not know if this thought is self-righteous or I'm just afraid of facing the truth of my own selfishness. Either way, I know that when I reach judgement day at the golden gates of heaven, God will probably gaslight me. It is inevitable that before my fate is determined that he will destroy me emotionally and mentally. Till there is nothing left but a decimated husk of what I once was.

I am not going to heaven because I am a filthy sinner who defies God. There's no way around it. I've done things with my significant other that I do not regret; but in Gods eyes, I have committed a taboo equivalent to murder. I make no excuses. I am but a lowly worthless piece of trash worthy of not even a piece of dust in comparison to God.

I'm a sinner who is not repentant of her sins. That in itself carries a death sentence.


I hate that people go to hell. I hate it. It sickens me, and I know that if I actually saw hell, it would be worse than I could even imagine. An eternity of suffering is a punishment that no one deserves, and I mean no one. No matter what they've done or who they are; absolutely no one. So why does a loving God send people to a place of eternal hellfire with worms and maggots? A place where even a drop of water would give one a reprieve? That's barbaric.

I could understand that maybe, MAYBE, God would send someone there for a short period ot time, but an eternity is too far. That's horrifying. I do not want to have eternal happiness unless and until no one is suffering in hell.

I mean, I want it (as selfish as that is) but I morally cannot go along with it. I will not stand by and let people suffer.

But again, maybe I'm just a selfish, worthless, piece of shit whore unworthy of even a piece of dust in heaven. Maybe I'm just justifying my damnation but really I'm just a horrible person.

Hell

Life used to be simple. That's a phrase I hear a lot. It never was. As soon as we master a single skill, the monsters level up two. It's a never ending slew of win and defeat. But I do remember when I wasn't so... miserable. My problems consisted of bullying, worrying about others, and childlike carefree-ness. 

Now it's about my salvation, my belief in God, sanity, suicide, misery, and despair. When did it all go wrong? I don't want to go to hell, but I don't want to go to heaven either. 

I just want to off myself. Maybe God doesn't exist. Maybe he will take mercy on me and allow me to be a lowly coward by wiping my soul from existence. Maybe he'll take pleasure in watching me burn in the fires of hell. 

When did my life turn into a single question?

Hatred

Hatred is a word that should only be used on one's self.

Melancholy

"When I was young, the sky shone clear and bright and blue

And I smiled through everyday, knowing that all my dreams would come true

Now that I've grown, the sky fades dark and disappears

And the future I once dreamed dissolves before my doubts and fears."

Everyone is a damn critic. We all are. I critique someone's theology, they critique mine. I don't want to go to hell, but I will damn myself unless and until no one is suffering in that place. Jeez, this sounds so self-righteous. I hate myself. Maybe the fires of eternity are what I deserve?

When I was young, it was so easy. I believed what that man from the pulpit said. What those in the congregation said. What my parents said. It was all so good. The sky was bright and the days young. Then I started asking questions. You damn fool. Had you never asked, your life would be okay. Everything that is a problem now, wouldn't be any longer. Even now your self-doubt comes in, saying you'd have problem regardless, that's crap. Everything goes right when you're with God, and without him, you fail.

That's what they said.

Punching Bag

L,

I know you're angry, hurt, betrayed, and vengeful. I know. You can't forgive him for what happened to you and your family. I know that feeling. So please, hurt me. Beat me with your words. Hate me. Tell me how it's my fault. Make me hate me more. Please. I deserve it. You don't deserve this burden, no one does. I just want you to be happy and live your life without worry. If my suffering is a means to that end, then use me.

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving.

~H

Tired

I'm so tired. My body. My mind. My clothes. My life. I wrote in the wrong name today on the sign in sheet, failed a test, and didn't keep tabs on my homework for Ed Psych. I can't help my struggling friend nor am I able to fix my family's lives.

My mind is a slow fog. And my body only trudges.

If I fall over dead, will it take a thousand years for me to hit the ground? Or only a moment?



I'm going to lose another scholarship. My parents may force me to be at home from now on. I don't deserve help with this expensive tuition. I should be drowning in student loans like my peers, more so even. Just let me keep falling, maybe someday I'll reach oblivion.

Hold On

I know she doesn't want me near you, L. That's my fault and I'm sorry. I know that relationships are supposed to be give-and-take and it seems I can do nothing for you. That's my fault. I wish that I could be better and less needy emotionally, but I don't know how.

If I become too much, please sever me. It would be best for you.

L...

L,

If this is indeed the end for us, I'm so sorry. I fucked things up again huh? I just had to open my mouth. I did this before too. I know you remember. I couldn't handle my parents pressure for you to be a Christian. I couldn't stand up for you, so you left because you wouldn't be confined by an ancient and dusty religion that condones the murder of millions.

I thought I had moved past that, that I would never do it again, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut around her. It just came up. All those things I hid deep inside in a desperate attempt to protect everyone's feelings. It's like word vomit. I came across  so sarcastic and snappy, and treated her like dirt. I have no excuses for my actions; I was in the wrong, end of story.

I'm just sorry that I couldn't be better for you.

~H

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!?!

You could have just kept quiet and all would have been fine, but no, you had to tell her how all those things made you feel. It was more than two years ago, move the FUCK ON. Because of your stupidity and cruelty you hurt her and made her hate you. She thought you were nice but now she sees the horrible person you truly are. You're a monster.

The screaming and insulting do not justify what you have just done. You have just made a irreparable mistake and you'll probably lose L in all of this as well. Your life was fucking perfect, and here you are telling people how you feel. You should know by now that all that does is wreck the lives of others.

She liked you. She respected you. She cared about you, and you let her down. If you continue to tell her how you feel, you'll further ignite the damn bridge. If you keep it quiet, it'll kill you. If she finds this, she'll think you're immature and irrational and never talked to you again.

YOU SHOULD AHVE JUST FUCKING LET IT KILL YOU INSIDE! Anything is better than hurting your fellow man.

But is it? You say that, then act the opposite. You fucking waste of a human being.

Confession

All of my despair is self-inflicted.

Growing up I was happy and carefree with simple moments of manic depressive episodes. Normal for a kid. But when I would go to church, church camps, or youth group everyone chosen to preach and speak would tell about how horrible their lives were and their most gruesome testimonies. I couldn't relate in the slightest. How could I? I was raised in a two-parent, upper-middle class, educated family. I was born with everything I needed and was surrounded with love. There was nothing wrong with my life.

I would think to myself as a child "If I turn from God and go down a path of sin, then I can have redemption and finally have a story."  I don't remember exactly when things started, but in the seventh grade I sliced my leg up with a pair of scissors. I blamed myself for making my mother mad, and partially wanted to do it, but I also wanted to try it. Maybe I could have a tragic story too.

I got my story alright. I became a broken and horrible person. I self-harmed and wanted to die more and more often whenever I hurt someone. Now here I am, a broken and forever lost child of God. Of course it is my fault that I am. I'm too stubborn to take the outreached hand of God beyond the fog of my own creation. It's sad to me, but I am too stubborn to take it again.

Dear God

Dear God,

It's me. But of course you knew that. It's been while since we've had one of these one-sided talks. I told you I would never ask again, and for accidentally doing so in day to day life, I recant. But could you help my friend C? She's in trouble and I am incapable of doing much more than I already have. Please help her. Use your energy on her, rather than wasting it on me.

And if you're not too busy...

Bless the lives of those around me. They all deserve so much for their toils and efforts.

Thank you

~H

Life Goals

"My goal is not to wake up at forty with the bitter realization that I've wasted my life in a job I hate, because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens." ~Daria



I've been through almost 1.5 years of college and the thing I majored in is merely a 'someday' type of job I would like to have. I want to work in the outdoors and learn about the wonders of the world while I'm young; while I'm still open minded and not adulterated by the cynicism of almost everyone past 30 (irony). I want to be physically fit when I do this. But without a drastic change, this is not feasible.

That life I want is not possible where I live. I would have to move states away in order to fulfill that goal, and leave behind my friends, family, and boyfriend. Worse still, there are people here who need me and I can't just leave them. I have no rights as a human being to say 'no' to the suffering of another. It doesn't matter how much I want it, I can't leave everyone.

Even if I did go, nothing I ever try to do on my own turns out okay. It always blows up in my face. It's like God has made my life a sick joke and without me asking him for help every step of the way or having other people 'appointed' by him to help me, I fail.

Sometimes I wish I could just run from the problem by ending my life, but then I realize how many people I would hurt and I don't. Suicide of one person has also been proven to cause others nearby to take their thoughts and put them into action. I don't want anyone to die or suffer because of me. So I stay here. Maybe God will be kind to me and dash my head on some rocks or strike me down with lighting; heck, even send a bear after me. Whatever the case, I hope no one suffers.

Today, I Feel Like a Failure

"You need to learn how to make mistakes before you grow up. When you are young, you can recover quickly when hurt. When you get older it's harder to make mistakes, as you get more responsibilities the less mistakes you are allowed to make." ~Junko Kaname

The first time I heard this, I didn't understand it. I had grown up in a loving family where mistakes were quickly forgotten or forgiven. I learned from them of course, but they didn't have the impact that they should have. Until college I had always gotten by by just doing as everyone told me. If I did what everyone wanted, then there was no need to worry unless I messed up and hurt them. And if I hurt them, then I deserved to make myself hurt as badly as they did.

Simple logic for a simple child.

I've had three jobs in my life and the first two I quit after the end of each summer due to the wonderful thing known as school. Both times I had gotten the jobs at the urging of my mother. Not of my own volition. This time I had achieved gaining a job that I loved. I just wasn't good at it.

I tried for awhile to understand the ins and outs of what we sold, but it always just fell apart. I make no excuses for myself. I was an awful employee. I lied to my boss about something small and didn't follow through on all of the readings he gave me. He hired me because of my enthusiasm, but slowly that enthusiasm faded.

I was fired. He called it 'letting me go' as he was trying to be nice, but he did fire me. The biggest and saddest reason he gave me was that customers wouldn't want to be there when I was, and I have no idea why. I caused someone so much discomfort and pain that they no longer wanted to be at the store. For that, I should be severed without my final paycheck. That kind of service on my part is an atrocity.

I am a failure. There is no way around it. People often say that as a joke, or when they feel down, but I am one. My grades are all Cs or lower and I cannot get myself out of bed as of lately. I just don't want to do anything. I hate myself so much. How could someone with so much promise in high school, be such a failure to everyone? Including God?