New Year's Resolutions

1. Find my place

2. Help others more

3. Not be a worthless shit

4. Give more, take less

5. Not die

You Shouldn't Have Come

G,

I know I'm a terrible friend. I know I'm a terrible person. So why did you drive to see me? All I've done is alienate you and make you feel like trash. I'm sorry. I won't hurt myself physically, as I know you don't want that, but I'll destroy myself emotionally. I'm so sorry.

~H

T & R & L & C & E

Don't tell me if you find this. If you ever do, never tell me.

I have a love/hate relationship with religion. I do't know if it's because I've hung out with 1 too many atheists or because I've actually had bad experiences. Frankly. if I have a bad experience, I chalk it up to me being too sensitive and not seeing God enough. Or at least, I should.

Christianity to me is full of so many holes, inconsistencies, and barbaric acts that I can only attribute to evil. I see more hate and negativity in Christianity than I do love and happiness. So when someone says something I find dangerous or bad, I get anxious and freak out.

God and I only seem to grow further apart with each day that goes by. I will not say I've tried, because if I tried I would have a good relationship with him and none of my feelings now would matter. But I haven't.

I have friends who grew up in that church who are hurting. Some because of bad messages about religion and some for other reasons. Those people are the ones I ache for. No one deserves to feel that way, and when I hear of it, I want to protect them. Even if what I perceive as damaging and dangerous is just that- a perception.

I am so sorry for the strife I know I have caused. You reached out to me, clearly I upset many. For that I know I have no forgiveness. I'm sorry.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas. All of you from M to T, all of you deserve it.

Theological Questions to Ask Someday

1. If God is so loving, what would he send someone to an eternity of suffering for the perceived mistakes of a time-span of 85 some years?
2. Why is it possible to go to hell based on deeds alone, but not go to heaven in the same way?
3. Why is being LGBT a sin?
4. Why does Jesus seem to show racial and cultural bias if he's supposed to be perfect?
5. If God was so trigger-happy in the bible, why hasn't he killed me yet when I've basically challenged him to do so?
6. What makes God perfect and justified in all of his actions? Because he said so?
7. If a parent loving created a child and raised them with little instruction or guidance, and was only available to help the child when things were truly awful (and sometimes not even then) they would be considered a bad parent. So why is God exempt from this?
8. Does a parent deserve worship just for creating a child? If not, then why does God?
9. Why must God be hidden?
10. Why do we have to thank God for our successes, but cannot blame him for our failures?

Heaven

I do not know if this thought is self-righteous or I'm just afraid of facing the truth of my own selfishness. Either way, I know that when I reach judgement day at the golden gates of heaven, God will probably gaslight me. It is inevitable that before my fate is determined that he will destroy me emotionally and mentally. Till there is nothing left but a decimated husk of what I once was.

I am not going to heaven because I am a filthy sinner who defies God. There's no way around it. I've done things with my significant other that I do not regret; but in Gods eyes, I have committed a taboo equivalent to murder. I make no excuses. I am but a lowly worthless piece of trash worthy of not even a piece of dust in comparison to God.

I'm a sinner who is not repentant of her sins. That in itself carries a death sentence.


I hate that people go to hell. I hate it. It sickens me, and I know that if I actually saw hell, it would be worse than I could even imagine. An eternity of suffering is a punishment that no one deserves, and I mean no one. No matter what they've done or who they are; absolutely no one. So why does a loving God send people to a place of eternal hellfire with worms and maggots? A place where even a drop of water would give one a reprieve? That's barbaric.

I could understand that maybe, MAYBE, God would send someone there for a short period ot time, but an eternity is too far. That's horrifying. I do not want to have eternal happiness unless and until no one is suffering in hell.

I mean, I want it (as selfish as that is) but I morally cannot go along with it. I will not stand by and let people suffer.

But again, maybe I'm just a selfish, worthless, piece of shit whore unworthy of even a piece of dust in heaven. Maybe I'm just justifying my damnation but really I'm just a horrible person.

Hell

Life used to be simple. That's a phrase I hear a lot. It never was. As soon as we master a single skill, the monsters level up two. It's a never ending slew of win and defeat. But I do remember when I wasn't so... miserable. My problems consisted of bullying, worrying about others, and childlike carefree-ness. 

Now it's about my salvation, my belief in God, sanity, suicide, misery, and despair. When did it all go wrong? I don't want to go to hell, but I don't want to go to heaven either. 

I just want to off myself. Maybe God doesn't exist. Maybe he will take mercy on me and allow me to be a lowly coward by wiping my soul from existence. Maybe he'll take pleasure in watching me burn in the fires of hell. 

When did my life turn into a single question?

Hatred

Hatred is a word that should only be used on one's self.

Melancholy

"When I was young, the sky shone clear and bright and blue

And I smiled through everyday, knowing that all my dreams would come true

Now that I've grown, the sky fades dark and disappears

And the future I once dreamed dissolves before my doubts and fears."

Everyone is a damn critic. We all are. I critique someone's theology, they critique mine. I don't want to go to hell, but I will damn myself unless and until no one is suffering in that place. Jeez, this sounds so self-righteous. I hate myself. Maybe the fires of eternity are what I deserve?

When I was young, it was so easy. I believed what that man from the pulpit said. What those in the congregation said. What my parents said. It was all so good. The sky was bright and the days young. Then I started asking questions. You damn fool. Had you never asked, your life would be okay. Everything that is a problem now, wouldn't be any longer. Even now your self-doubt comes in, saying you'd have problem regardless, that's crap. Everything goes right when you're with God, and without him, you fail.

That's what they said.