Heaven

I do not know if this thought is self-righteous or I'm just afraid of facing the truth of my own selfishness. Either way, I know that when I reach judgement day at the golden gates of heaven, God will probably gaslight me. It is inevitable that before my fate is determined that he will destroy me emotionally and mentally. Till there is nothing left but a decimated husk of what I once was.

I am not going to heaven because I am a filthy sinner who defies God. There's no way around it. I've done things with my significant other that I do not regret; but in Gods eyes, I have committed a taboo equivalent to murder. I make no excuses. I am but a lowly worthless piece of trash worthy of not even a piece of dust in comparison to God.

I'm a sinner who is not repentant of her sins. That in itself carries a death sentence.


I hate that people go to hell. I hate it. It sickens me, and I know that if I actually saw hell, it would be worse than I could even imagine. An eternity of suffering is a punishment that no one deserves, and I mean no one. No matter what they've done or who they are; absolutely no one. So why does a loving God send people to a place of eternal hellfire with worms and maggots? A place where even a drop of water would give one a reprieve? That's barbaric.

I could understand that maybe, MAYBE, God would send someone there for a short period ot time, but an eternity is too far. That's horrifying. I do not want to have eternal happiness unless and until no one is suffering in hell.

I mean, I want it (as selfish as that is) but I morally cannot go along with it. I will not stand by and let people suffer.

But again, maybe I'm just a selfish, worthless, piece of shit whore unworthy of even a piece of dust in heaven. Maybe I'm just justifying my damnation but really I'm just a horrible person.