I have no excuse

It doesn't matter how much shit I was going through.

The fact of the matter is is that I was a selfish fucking bitch who didn't consider your feelings. I'm sorry. At least, I think I am. I feel like you overreacted, and I was only 30% at fault. But I know deep down that I see more than you do, so I should have considered you more.

I'm sorry for being a worthless piece of fucking shit. Truly.

Don't Help Me

H, don't help me again. Please. I do not deserve it.

You don't deserve to be here

You hurt her.
You disappointed her.
You made her hate you.
She doesn't deserve what you've done.
You don't deserve her help.


Fuck you. You don't deserve to be here.

New Year's Resolutions

1. Find my place

2. Help others more

3. Not be a worthless shit

4. Give more, take less

5. Not die

You Shouldn't Have Come

G,

I know I'm a terrible friend. I know I'm a terrible person. So why did you drive to see me? All I've done is alienate you and make you feel like trash. I'm sorry. I won't hurt myself physically, as I know you don't want that, but I'll destroy myself emotionally. I'm so sorry.

~H

T & R & L & C & E

Don't tell me if you find this. If you ever do, never tell me.

I have a love/hate relationship with religion. I do't know if it's because I've hung out with 1 too many atheists or because I've actually had bad experiences. Frankly. if I have a bad experience, I chalk it up to me being too sensitive and not seeing God enough. Or at least, I should.

Christianity to me is full of so many holes, inconsistencies, and barbaric acts that I can only attribute to evil. I see more hate and negativity in Christianity than I do love and happiness. So when someone says something I find dangerous or bad, I get anxious and freak out.

God and I only seem to grow further apart with each day that goes by. I will not say I've tried, because if I tried I would have a good relationship with him and none of my feelings now would matter. But I haven't.

I have friends who grew up in that church who are hurting. Some because of bad messages about religion and some for other reasons. Those people are the ones I ache for. No one deserves to feel that way, and when I hear of it, I want to protect them. Even if what I perceive as damaging and dangerous is just that- a perception.

I am so sorry for the strife I know I have caused. You reached out to me, clearly I upset many. For that I know I have no forgiveness. I'm sorry.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas. All of you from M to T, all of you deserve it.

Theological Questions to Ask Someday

1. If God is so loving, what would he send someone to an eternity of suffering for the perceived mistakes of a time-span of 85 some years?
2. Why is it possible to go to hell based on deeds alone, but not go to heaven in the same way?
3. Why is being LGBT a sin?
4. Why does Jesus seem to show racial and cultural bias if he's supposed to be perfect?
5. If God was so trigger-happy in the bible, why hasn't he killed me yet when I've basically challenged him to do so?
6. What makes God perfect and justified in all of his actions? Because he said so?
7. If a parent loving created a child and raised them with little instruction or guidance, and was only available to help the child when things were truly awful (and sometimes not even then) they would be considered a bad parent. So why is God exempt from this?
8. Does a parent deserve worship just for creating a child? If not, then why does God?
9. Why must God be hidden?
10. Why do we have to thank God for our successes, but cannot blame him for our failures?