Punching Bag

L,

I know you're angry, hurt, betrayed, and vengeful. I know. You can't forgive him for what happened to you and your family. I know that feeling. So please, hurt me. Beat me with your words. Hate me. Tell me how it's my fault. Make me hate me more. Please. I deserve it. You don't deserve this burden, no one does. I just want you to be happy and live your life without worry. If my suffering is a means to that end, then use me.

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving.

~H

Tired

I'm so tired. My body. My mind. My clothes. My life. I wrote in the wrong name today on the sign in sheet, failed a test, and didn't keep tabs on my homework for Ed Psych. I can't help my struggling friend nor am I able to fix my family's lives.

My mind is a slow fog. And my body only trudges.

If I fall over dead, will it take a thousand years for me to hit the ground? Or only a moment?



I'm going to lose another scholarship. My parents may force me to be at home from now on. I don't deserve help with this expensive tuition. I should be drowning in student loans like my peers, more so even. Just let me keep falling, maybe someday I'll reach oblivion.

Hold On

I know she doesn't want me near you, L. That's my fault and I'm sorry. I know that relationships are supposed to be give-and-take and it seems I can do nothing for you. That's my fault. I wish that I could be better and less needy emotionally, but I don't know how.

If I become too much, please sever me. It would be best for you.

L...

L,

If this is indeed the end for us, I'm so sorry. I fucked things up again huh? I just had to open my mouth. I did this before too. I know you remember. I couldn't handle my parents pressure for you to be a Christian. I couldn't stand up for you, so you left because you wouldn't be confined by an ancient and dusty religion that condones the murder of millions.

I thought I had moved past that, that I would never do it again, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut around her. It just came up. All those things I hid deep inside in a desperate attempt to protect everyone's feelings. It's like word vomit. I came across  so sarcastic and snappy, and treated her like dirt. I have no excuses for my actions; I was in the wrong, end of story.

I'm just sorry that I couldn't be better for you.

~H

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!?!

You could have just kept quiet and all would have been fine, but no, you had to tell her how all those things made you feel. It was more than two years ago, move the FUCK ON. Because of your stupidity and cruelty you hurt her and made her hate you. She thought you were nice but now she sees the horrible person you truly are. You're a monster.

The screaming and insulting do not justify what you have just done. You have just made a irreparable mistake and you'll probably lose L in all of this as well. Your life was fucking perfect, and here you are telling people how you feel. You should know by now that all that does is wreck the lives of others.

She liked you. She respected you. She cared about you, and you let her down. If you continue to tell her how you feel, you'll further ignite the damn bridge. If you keep it quiet, it'll kill you. If she finds this, she'll think you're immature and irrational and never talked to you again.

YOU SHOULD AHVE JUST FUCKING LET IT KILL YOU INSIDE! Anything is better than hurting your fellow man.

But is it? You say that, then act the opposite. You fucking waste of a human being.