Confession

All of my despair is self-inflicted.

Growing up I was happy and carefree with simple moments of manic depressive episodes. Normal for a kid. But when I would go to church, church camps, or youth group everyone chosen to preach and speak would tell about how horrible their lives were and their most gruesome testimonies. I couldn't relate in the slightest. How could I? I was raised in a two-parent, upper-middle class, educated family. I was born with everything I needed and was surrounded with love. There was nothing wrong with my life.

I would think to myself as a child "If I turn from God and go down a path of sin, then I can have redemption and finally have a story."  I don't remember exactly when things started, but in the seventh grade I sliced my leg up with a pair of scissors. I blamed myself for making my mother mad, and partially wanted to do it, but I also wanted to try it. Maybe I could have a tragic story too.

I got my story alright. I became a broken and horrible person. I self-harmed and wanted to die more and more often whenever I hurt someone. Now here I am, a broken and forever lost child of God. Of course it is my fault that I am. I'm too stubborn to take the outreached hand of God beyond the fog of my own creation. It's sad to me, but I am too stubborn to take it again.

Dear God

Dear God,

It's me. But of course you knew that. It's been while since we've had one of these one-sided talks. I told you I would never ask again, and for accidentally doing so in day to day life, I recant. But could you help my friend C? She's in trouble and I am incapable of doing much more than I already have. Please help her. Use your energy on her, rather than wasting it on me.

And if you're not too busy...

Bless the lives of those around me. They all deserve so much for their toils and efforts.

Thank you

~H

Life Goals

"My goal is not to wake up at forty with the bitter realization that I've wasted my life in a job I hate, because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens." ~Daria



I've been through almost 1.5 years of college and the thing I majored in is merely a 'someday' type of job I would like to have. I want to work in the outdoors and learn about the wonders of the world while I'm young; while I'm still open minded and not adulterated by the cynicism of almost everyone past 30 (irony). I want to be physically fit when I do this. But without a drastic change, this is not feasible.

That life I want is not possible where I live. I would have to move states away in order to fulfill that goal, and leave behind my friends, family, and boyfriend. Worse still, there are people here who need me and I can't just leave them. I have no rights as a human being to say 'no' to the suffering of another. It doesn't matter how much I want it, I can't leave everyone.

Even if I did go, nothing I ever try to do on my own turns out okay. It always blows up in my face. It's like God has made my life a sick joke and without me asking him for help every step of the way or having other people 'appointed' by him to help me, I fail.

Sometimes I wish I could just run from the problem by ending my life, but then I realize how many people I would hurt and I don't. Suicide of one person has also been proven to cause others nearby to take their thoughts and put them into action. I don't want anyone to die or suffer because of me. So I stay here. Maybe God will be kind to me and dash my head on some rocks or strike me down with lighting; heck, even send a bear after me. Whatever the case, I hope no one suffers.

Today, I Feel Like a Failure

"You need to learn how to make mistakes before you grow up. When you are young, you can recover quickly when hurt. When you get older it's harder to make mistakes, as you get more responsibilities the less mistakes you are allowed to make." ~Junko Kaname

The first time I heard this, I didn't understand it. I had grown up in a loving family where mistakes were quickly forgotten or forgiven. I learned from them of course, but they didn't have the impact that they should have. Until college I had always gotten by by just doing as everyone told me. If I did what everyone wanted, then there was no need to worry unless I messed up and hurt them. And if I hurt them, then I deserved to make myself hurt as badly as they did.

Simple logic for a simple child.

I've had three jobs in my life and the first two I quit after the end of each summer due to the wonderful thing known as school. Both times I had gotten the jobs at the urging of my mother. Not of my own volition. This time I had achieved gaining a job that I loved. I just wasn't good at it.

I tried for awhile to understand the ins and outs of what we sold, but it always just fell apart. I make no excuses for myself. I was an awful employee. I lied to my boss about something small and didn't follow through on all of the readings he gave me. He hired me because of my enthusiasm, but slowly that enthusiasm faded.

I was fired. He called it 'letting me go' as he was trying to be nice, but he did fire me. The biggest and saddest reason he gave me was that customers wouldn't want to be there when I was, and I have no idea why. I caused someone so much discomfort and pain that they no longer wanted to be at the store. For that, I should be severed without my final paycheck. That kind of service on my part is an atrocity.

I am a failure. There is no way around it. People often say that as a joke, or when they feel down, but I am one. My grades are all Cs or lower and I cannot get myself out of bed as of lately. I just don't want to do anything. I hate myself so much. How could someone with so much promise in high school, be such a failure to everyone? Including God?