Today, I Feel Like a Failure

"You need to learn how to make mistakes before you grow up. When you are young, you can recover quickly when hurt. When you get older it's harder to make mistakes, as you get more responsibilities the less mistakes you are allowed to make." ~Junko Kaname

The first time I heard this, I didn't understand it. I had grown up in a loving family where mistakes were quickly forgotten or forgiven. I learned from them of course, but they didn't have the impact that they should have. Until college I had always gotten by by just doing as everyone told me. If I did what everyone wanted, then there was no need to worry unless I messed up and hurt them. And if I hurt them, then I deserved to make myself hurt as badly as they did.

Simple logic for a simple child.

I've had three jobs in my life and the first two I quit after the end of each summer due to the wonderful thing known as school. Both times I had gotten the jobs at the urging of my mother. Not of my own volition. This time I had achieved gaining a job that I loved. I just wasn't good at it.

I tried for awhile to understand the ins and outs of what we sold, but it always just fell apart. I make no excuses for myself. I was an awful employee. I lied to my boss about something small and didn't follow through on all of the readings he gave me. He hired me because of my enthusiasm, but slowly that enthusiasm faded.

I was fired. He called it 'letting me go' as he was trying to be nice, but he did fire me. The biggest and saddest reason he gave me was that customers wouldn't want to be there when I was, and I have no idea why. I caused someone so much discomfort and pain that they no longer wanted to be at the store. For that, I should be severed without my final paycheck. That kind of service on my part is an atrocity.

I am a failure. There is no way around it. People often say that as a joke, or when they feel down, but I am one. My grades are all Cs or lower and I cannot get myself out of bed as of lately. I just don't want to do anything. I hate myself so much. How could someone with so much promise in high school, be such a failure to everyone? Including God?