I've been through almost 1.5 years of college and the thing I majored in is merely a 'someday' type of job I would like to have. I want to work in the outdoors and learn about the wonders of the world while I'm young; while I'm still open minded and not adulterated by the cynicism of almost everyone past 30 (irony). I want to be physically fit when I do this. But without a drastic change, this is not feasible.
That life I want is not possible where I live. I would have to move states away in order to fulfill that goal, and leave behind my friends, family, and boyfriend. Worse still, there are people here who need me and I can't just leave them. I have no rights as a human being to say 'no' to the suffering of another. It doesn't matter how much I want it, I can't leave everyone.
Even if I did go, nothing I ever try to do on my own turns out okay. It always blows up in my face. It's like God has made my life a sick joke and without me asking him for help every step of the way or having other people 'appointed' by him to help me, I fail.
Sometimes I wish I could just run from the problem by ending my life, but then I realize how many people I would hurt and I don't. Suicide of one person has also been proven to cause others nearby to take their thoughts and put them into action. I don't want anyone to die or suffer because of me. So I stay here. Maybe God will be kind to me and dash my head on some rocks or strike me down with lighting; heck, even send a bear after me. Whatever the case, I hope no one suffers.
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